He turned his head towards her and asked with slight remorse: “You hate me now, don’t you?”. She kept her head down and said: “I’ll never hate you. But after tonight, we’ll never talk about this again. Damn, I’ll never even…[continue]“... say the word 'lap dance' again" Lynette Scavo uttered, her cheeks blushing from too much vodka and her lips still a little bit smudged from the lipstick the lesbian lap-dancer had stuck on her, with her huge fat lips. Tom Scavo winked to Carlos and took the left turn at the next traffic light.
As they drove into Wisteria Lane, the comfort of the suburban street fell over them like a woolen blanket. Soon they were tucked in their beds, and Morpheus showed them mercy. It was a bachelor party that nobody would ever forget.
It had started as a joke among the youngest generation of Fairview; that Lynette and Suzan would make the myth of the "bitch mother-in-law" sound like a Christmas party. Porter was to marry Julie, and a second generation of Wisterians was about to begin. Their mothers were more excited about it than the time Orson Hodge was caught by Mrs McLuskey running naked at midnight doped out of his mind on a roofie that Andrew Van De Kamp was stupid enough to throw in his glass of red wine; as an appropriate revenge for the time Orson scorned him for changing boyfriends too often, which was Orson’s way of meaning that Andrew was a man whore. Mrs McLuskey covered the shivering, ecstatic Orson with a duvet and then she gave a call to Mike instead of phoning the police. The affair was hushed and it was never again mentioned in the presence of the Fairview men.
It was right then and there that Mrs McLuskey's quality of character started to chip in with the younger- well - let's just say less elder- generation of the women of Fairview..But I digress. Those two suburban housewives were determined to make Julie's and Porter's bachelor parties a twin pair of events that would make Wisteria History. Their decision was mutual and immediate. Lynette and Suzan just looked at each other and blinked. Of course men were instantly banned from any form of pitching in and helping out.
Julie said she'd rather die than watch her mom cheering and inserting dollar bills into men's shorts. Porter said that he would rather watch his mother in a drag than let her organize his bachelor party. Little did he know: of course Lynette was determined to prove that she could do it. You should never mess with Mother Scavo; it was a Fairview silent, yet well established truth. When challenged, it was just like a game of darts to Lynette. She could hit a 20 anytime, not to mention three ones in a row.
When Lynette talked it over with Suzan that same afternoon, and laid out the details of her idea for the night, her neighbor was suddenly evasive and strangely secretive about her daughter's party. Suzan, after enough pressure from Lynette’s firm hand, which took a few seconds (but no more than 15), she said she had second thoughts and she would rather work alone for a big separate surprise to Julie, than work with Lynette on a joined event.
When Porter Scavo entered the "Squeezebox" strip club, that late December night, and had his first lap dance, the men of Wisteria Lane were already drunk. By the fourth round, they were so drunk they wouldn't be able to remember their own names if you hit them with a stick. Right then, and there, Lynette Scavo entered the stage dressed up in a tuxedo like Marlen Dietrich in 'Morocco' - with a cane. She danced and sang "I wanna be loved by you", around her husband Tom's slightly (it seemed then) uncomfortable laugh.
Little did she know: it was her destiny to receive the pay-off for her set-up on that same night. Because right when Lynette was cheered off stage, a tall, blonde, muscular butch dancer, that dressed up like Zachary Levi in "Chuck" and looked a lot like Annie Lennox, hug her around the waist, and then lifted her up in her arms and kissed her, in front of everybody; then she casually walked towards Tom, as if Lynette was a feather in her arms, and delivered her right into her husband’s lap.
Lynette couldn't believe her own shame. She immediately wondered why didn't she stay home with her grandkids, watching reruns of 'Heroes' while the kidos were playing ancient Barney tapes on their old battered video; or maybe she could read one of those Hank Moody books. She felt so ashamed she thought she was part of a television show. She only wished the director would decide to put German subtitles for the entire sequence and switch her own character to a live performance of a Fassbinder nude. "I could be home, right now, watching the 11th season of House" she whispered to Tom in such a low voice that only he could have listened. She had recently grown strangely addicted to Hugh Laurie's wits and looks.
Just when she thought she have had enough of a ridicule for one night, Suzan showed up in a pair of denim dungarees. She made her memorable stage entrance holding a huge plastic water pistol, which she used on an army of six muscular men dancers; they gamboled around her in their underwear, swaying in the rhythm of "You can leave your hat on", dripping water while wearing only cowboy hats; and Julie's bachelor party was on without any more second thoughts...
Lynette turned around and noticed Julie and her friends standing at the bar, and laughing away at the whole charade. Porter had suddenly felt ill, according to Mrs McLuskey, and he has been locked up in the men’s room for the past quarter of an hour. The Mayer-Scavo’s wedding joined-bachelor-party did make Fairview history, whether Porter liked it, or not.
NOTE: 1. this is a fictional story for the Addic7ed Contest. Here is the homepage:
www.addic7ed.com
2. Any resemblance to the actual script of the “Desperate Housewives” was, I assure you, not intentional on my part. I am also sure that after reading this you realize how brainwashed I am watching T.V. series… LoL. Maybe at this point I cannot tell which ideas are my own and which are not!
(3)*. Today this blog's celebrating the completion of 111 posts..!
Contestants had to use the following words:
mercy, Hank, wisteria lane,quality,chuck, destiny,hero(es), Barney,subtitles, addicted
See all the contest rules here:
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